Sunday, 19 January 2014

To all the boys I've ever loved....

This is a love letter to the boy who first broke my heart. The boy who first told me he loved me, let me paint a red jelly baby on his prized VW Beetle and didn't complain it was a bit wonky. I cried so much when we broke up I couldn't go to school. I watched Jim Morrison in The Doors and have never been able to watch it since. I'm apologise for being so clingy....I understand now that everyone needs space and time to be alone.

This is a love letter to the boy who adored me. I did too, but for some strange reason I wanted someone else at the time. You came to see me when you got out of hospital after cutting open your head after falling down your stairs, just to hold me all night on our friend's living room floor. You let me cut your lovely long hair. I apologise for leaving you, you were one of the kindest, sincere guys I've ever met.

This is a love letter to the crazy boy, the one every girl wanted to be with. We took photos of each other and painted portraits of each other which we both displayed in our A Level art exhibitions. I loved you so much. You climbed over my garden fence, onto the roof of the extension and up onto the window ledge to tell me you loved me and were never with that other girl. I apologise for not believing you. And I apologise for you losing your sock on the fence when my Dad sent you back out and over the fence home. I was so proud to be your girlfriend.

This is a love letter to the guy who broke my heart (again). You left your girlfriend for me after I told you I'd fallen for you that night at the University bar (you were behind it, came out and gave me a big hug) and that was one of the happiest moments of my life to know you felt the same. We talked philosophy and spent hours admiring each other. I wish you could've loved me for who I was back then. I've never gotten over the words that came out of your mouth. I hope one day I can.

This is a love letter to the boy I met on my sister's 21st birthday. We travelled miles together, argued of the stupidest of things, like making me barter with the owners of motels. You made me strong. You made me think things through and you accepted me just the way I was. I cried into my curry when we decided to split up. I've cried many times since. I love you and I always are one of my best friends in the world.

This is a love letter to the boy who told me he didn't love me. It really hurt me to hear that. You told me you were 24 so I would want to be with you (I was 26), you were only 21 but I liked you just the same.    But I realise now that it wasn't love at all, just lust, and that you shouldn't be with someone just because they are beautiful looking.

This is love letter to the boy I lied to. We used to talk all night. Listen to hours of comedy podcasts. It was always Christmas with you! I apologise for thinking you couldn't love me for who I was, or couldn't love me for my past actions. I should've trusted you, I should've been open and honest as you wanted me to be. I'm so, so sorry you couldn't forgive that lie. I hope one day you can and that one day you can open your heart to someone else who will make you truly happy.

This is a love letter to all the boys I've ever loved. Each of you has moulded me into the person I am today and I thank you. But you need to go now, let me go and I, I can release this fear of my heart being broken and open it once more. 

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