The places that scare you...

I'm home…. Just in case you didn't know.. Keeping a low profile though... (mind you, pretty unsuccessfully) as it's damn hard to live in the UK, without a job, with your parent at the age of 35, without feeling somewhat uneasy…

Feel like this man in a box
Courtesy of www.experiencelife.com

Living in the same situation in India, however, is completely different, you're surrounded by like-minded people, you don't stand out as the 'odd' one, everyone's given up their jobs, the 'normal life' in search of something... you have no society telling you you're different, that you have to live in a certain way, earn a certain amount of money, 'settle down' (I hate that word 'settle' - I would be damn happy if the word 'settle' never had to be part of the vocabulary of my life.) The uncertainty of India is liberating,   you just know you're going to be OK there..but back here I feel the uncertainty…very...smothering. Anxiety, hovering around the edges, waiting for its chance to take hold...trying desperately not to let it.. My mother would kill me…

I went away to explore the places that scare me….I did this through my yoga practice and by living with uncertainty, so why now is it so hard to keep this perspective?

Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche used to say 'Live your life as an experiment'. Life is ever changing, we have no control over what happens around us or to our bodies, but if we live our lives as a controlled experiment, keeping your mula bandha on, or with complete awareness of our true-immovable self, whilst the variables around you are changing, you can observe the external changes without affecting the internal, pure you. But I'm still finding it hard. Clearly I have a low tolerance for discomfort. 

The complete acceptance of ourselves as we are is called maitri….a simple, direct relationship with the way we are. There are four qualities of maitri; steadfastness, clear seeing, experiencing our emotional distress and attention to the present moment. These qualities can be cultivated when we meditate, when we are mindful and relate to difficult situations in our daily lives. I'm not meditating per se at the moment, but this doesn't stop me from trying to cultivate these four precepts during my daily ashtanga practice. The practice, well it pure and simply reflects you as you are that day. The practice is my mula bandha at the moment, that immovable place where I can check I'm still functioning properly, check that I'm not letting anxiety take hold, but at the same time keep pushing and testing my boundaries, moving towards the places that scare me, but where I know I have control….well, at least for the moment…

Mula bandha….who knew it worked on so many levels….

Where are those places in your practice that scare you? Jumping into Bhujapidasana? Into tittibhasana? Breathing in kapo? Jumping into bakasana? Out of it? Do you take each of these postures as the perfect opportunity to take yourself to the edge? To the places which scare you? Do you ask yourself why you don't jump into bhujapidasana? Have you ever even tried it? If the answer is 'no' then, well, you should…the postures are there to test you, to reflect your mindset…they're there for a reason, not just to make the practice look cool! (They do though, don't they?…which is exactly why you should be practicing this stuff!) They are there to take you beyond your self-imposed limits...

So I'm standing here at this present moment, completely groundless… but knowing that everything is constantly changing, that I have to hang on in there and go a little bit further with the irritation of uncertainty, of not being given any satisfaction and whilst I'm not liking it at present, like a zen koan, accept that life is neither form, nor emptiness, but a beautiful groundless answer.